When Silence Leaves Families Guessing, Planning Brings Peace

Advanced care planning is one of the greatest gifts families can give each other. It means talking about wishes before a crisis, documenting decisions so they are clear, and returning to those choices as life changes. These conversations may feel heavy, but they create relief and clarity when it matters most.

Conversations We Avoid, But Must Have

When my husband’s mom was on hospice care, one of their last conversations wasn’t about memories, love, or goodbyes. It was about passwords.

That moment revealed one kind of planning families often overlook: the practical side of life. Access to accounts, important documents, and financial details can be critical in the final weeks and months, and without them, families scramble.

But another layer of planning goes deeper. His mom had never shared her wishes with her sons about end-of-life care. When the time came, his dad and brothers each had their own idea of what she would have wanted. She could no longer speak for herself, and the family was left with painful uncertainty.

Both kinds of planning matter. The practical ensures families can take care of what must be handled. The personal ensures care reflects what matters most to the person living it.

Even in my own family, though my parents had done the “right” paperwork with powers of attorney, medical POAs, and a living will, it wasn’t until we sat with their primary care doctor that the details really came into focus. And those details matter. Seven years later, my father’s wishes are different than they were then. As health changes, so do perspectives.

My husband likes to repeat what my dad once told a friend who asked how retirement was going:

That is the truth of aging, illness, and dying. None of it unfolds exactly how we picture it. Which is why these conversations about treatment, comfort, values, finances, and priorities are essential. They are uncomfortable, yes. They force us to face realities we would rather not. But when they do not happen, the end of life becomes even harder for everyone involved.

The takeaway is simple: do not wait. Do not leave your family piecing together your intentions from guesswork. Talk now. Document now. Review later, because wishes change. These conversations are not about death. They are about making sure life, right up to the end, reflects what matters most to you.

Practical Next Step:

• Make a list of passwords, key accounts, and where important documents are stored
• Confirm that both financial and medical powers of attorney are up to date
• Review or create a living will or advance directive, and ask if a Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST) form is appropriate
• Read through these documents together to make sure they reflect current wishes
• Revisit these plans as health or circumstances change

It is one of the hardest conversations you will ever have. And one of the most important gifts you can give.

At Alula we know that part of supporting families is making sure important documents can be found when they are needed most. That is why we created a safe place for storing and sharing them. Planning is hard enough. Finding what you need should not be.